It's been a week since an incredibly sh!tty Week One. I figured that was enough time for you faithful readers to recover enough from your post-game benders and be able to fully digest the complexities of the analysis that follows. So... on to a really sh!tty preview of the UMass game. Saturday, September 12th, Noon at the greatest venue in all of college sports. What do we know about the Buffs after the first week? Not much. Mostly because it's hard to know just how sh!tty the Hawaii team is. They looked pretty sh!tty to me, but maybe they're less sh!tty than I think. Probably not. I expect Ohio State to take them behind the woodshed this weekend, beat them like redheaded stepchildren, and get us pissed off all over again at the monumental egg the Buffs laid in Honolulu. What do we know about UMass after the first week? Even less. They didn't play. So I guess we can go off of what we saw last year when the Buffs gagged their way to a come-from-behind road victory against them. Good offense. Porous defense. Lack of depth in the trenches. In short, it's a sh!tty team, they suck, and the Buffs will crush them. But "in short" is a disservice to the readers. So I guess I'll put in the work, do some research, and lay down some important facts to help everyone go into this game as expert fans. First, a key to this game is that UMass is led by the highly-respected Coach Whipple. The book on Mr. Whipple is that he's protective, a stickler about holding and has been known to get on the refs for this. Also important -- and this is a little-known fact about UMass -- is that they lead the nation in avoiding swamp ass injury issues. Bottom Line: If the Buffs can get Whipple off his game plan, expect him to become very flustered. Next, as my wife has taught me with her success at filling out NCAA tourney brackets and in picking Derby winners... the name and mascot are vital to the result of the sporting event. On the one hand, we have the Buffs. Ralphie is the best live mascot in all of sports. In fact, she's so badass that it's fair to say that she also has the nation's biggest balls. UMass? They're the Minutemen. I was pretty sure that there was something historical about that, so I did no research and was able to conclude that UMass has the distinction of being the research university that first identified Premature Ejaculation as a medical condition. I think the world owes a debt of gratitude for their hard work in this area and for spearheading the race to a cure. UMass has every right to be proud. But I think that calling their football team the Minutemen may have been going a big overboard. And there's a good chance that their team will be distracted by the large number of wonderful Tantric providers in the Boulder area who can literally change their lives. Clearly it's better to be called Buff than to be called a Minuteman. Advantage CU. One other thing I found which should have a huge bearing on this game is that UMass was ranked as the 6th Sluttiest College in America on some bodybuilding site. I'll take their word for it. I mean, if a coed is surrounded by guys with PreJac, it stands to reason they'd have to get around in order to find satisfaction. All the more reason why I expect UMass to be drained and lethargic when you consider the long flight, altitude and early ET game time. Put this one in the books. Buffs roll to a 44-17 win on Saturday.