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A really sh!tty preview of the UMass game

Discussion in 'Colorado Football Message Board' started by Buffnik, Sep 11, 2015.

  1. Buffnik

    Buffnik Real name isn't Nik Club Member Junta Member

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    Well, Buff fans, we're on to Week Two of the sh!tty preview.

    It's been a week since an incredibly sh!tty Week One. I figured that was enough time for you faithful readers to recover enough from your post-game benders and be able to fully digest the complexities of the analysis that follows. So... on to a really sh!tty preview of the UMass game.

    Saturday, September 12th, Noon at the greatest venue in all of college sports.

    [​IMG]

    What do we know about the Buffs after the first week?

    Not much. Mostly because it's hard to know just how sh!tty the Hawaii team is. They looked pretty sh!tty to me, but maybe they're less sh!tty than I think. Probably not. I expect Ohio State to take them behind the woodshed this weekend, beat them like redheaded stepchildren, and get us pissed off all over again at the monumental egg the Buffs laid in Honolulu.

    What do we know about UMass after the first week?

    Even less. They didn't play. So I guess we can go off of what we saw last year when the Buffs gagged their way to a come-from-behind road victory against them. Good offense. Porous defense. Lack of depth in the trenches. In short, it's a sh!tty team, they suck, and the Buffs will crush them.

    But "in short" is a disservice to the readers. So I guess I'll put in the work, do some research, and lay down some important facts to help everyone go into this game as expert fans.

    First, a key to this game is that UMass is led by the highly-respected Coach Whipple. The book on Mr. Whipple is that he's protective, a stickler about holding and has been known to get on the refs for this. Also important -- and this is a little-known fact about UMass -- is that they lead the nation in avoiding swamp ass injury issues.

    [​IMG]

    Bottom Line: If the Buffs can get Whipple off his game plan, expect him to become very flustered.

    Next, as my wife has taught me with her success at filling out NCAA tourney brackets and in picking Derby winners... the name and mascot are vital to the result of the sporting event.

    On the one hand, we have the Buffs.

    Ralphie is the best live mascot in all of sports. In fact, she's so badass that it's fair to say that she also has the nation's biggest balls.

    [​IMG]

    UMass? They're the Minutemen. I was pretty sure that there was something historical about that, so I did no research and was able to conclude that UMass has the distinction of being the research university that first identified Premature Ejaculation as a medical condition.

    [​IMG]

    I think the world owes a debt of gratitude for their hard work in this area and for spearheading the race to a cure. UMass has every right to be proud. But I think that calling their football team the Minutemen may have been going a big overboard. And there's a good chance that their team will be distracted by the large number of wonderful Tantric providers in the Boulder area who can literally change their lives.

    Clearly it's better to be called Buff than to be called a Minuteman. Advantage CU.

    One other thing I found which should have a huge bearing on this game is that UMass was ranked as the 6th Sluttiest College in America on some bodybuilding site. I'll take their word for it. I mean, if a coed is surrounded by guys with PreJac, it stands to reason they'd have to get around in order to find satisfaction.

    [​IMG]

    All the more reason why I expect UMass to be drained and lethargic when you consider the long flight, altitude and early ET game time.

    Put this one in the books. Buffs roll to a 44-17 win on Saturday.
     
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2015
  2. BUFFSROCKS

    BUFFSROCKS Club Member Club Member

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    Actually a 2 pm ET game time...just sayin
     
  3. Buffnik

    Buffnik Real name isn't Nik Club Member Junta Member

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    Fixed. Thanks. Math is hard.
     
  4. BUFFSROCKS

    BUFFSROCKS Club Member Club Member

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    I know...I sometimes use the wrongulator instead of my calculator as well.
     
  5. Burrito Palazzo

    Burrito Palazzo huff my smug Club Member

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    All I know is Nik calculated a win on his CUlater.
     
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  6. BUFFSROCKS

    BUFFSROCKS Club Member Club Member

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    i see what you did there....nice
     
  7. BUFFSROCKS

    BUFFSROCKS Club Member Club Member

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    Where did you get those pictures from of Ralphie and the field? Dam nice photos.
     
  8. Buffnik

    Buffnik Real name isn't Nik Club Member Junta Member

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    google image search (top of page one results, of course (y) )
     
  9. RK

    RK UBL Club Member

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    I totally gave you the benefit of the doubt that the poor math was part of the preview's ****tyness.
     
  10. buffedup

    buffedup Cooler than a Popsicle Stand. Club Member

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    Thanks Nik. That was one hell of a sh!tty preview.
     
  11. Uncle Ken

    Uncle Ken Orr no morr Club Member

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    Christ was that Sh!tty!

    Great work!
     
  12. sackman

    sackman Club Member Club Member

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    Sh!tty preview is sh!tty.
     
  13. Bufffan68

    Bufffan68 Club Member Club Member

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  14. darth-horax

    darth-horax Well-Known Member

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    SWEET....nice job
     
  15. lvbuff

    lvbuff Well-Known Member

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    This was so ****ty I bet you wiped your ass 50 times and there was still **** on the toilet paper. Sort of like your sharpie was stuck in your ass. It just kept marking up the ****ty paper you wrote
     
  16. patebuff

    patebuff Downgraded to half a star Club Member

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    ****tiest preview I've ever seen
     
  17. Yung Buffalo

    Yung Buffalo Club Member Club Member

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    Nice work on the prediction
     
  18. Uncle Ken

    Uncle Ken Orr no morr Club Member

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    Well, even a broken clock is right twice a day. Unless you're a 14-year-old boy named Mohammad and live in Texas. Then it's never right, apparently.
     
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  19. Burrito Palazzo

    Burrito Palazzo huff my smug Club Member

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    But the clock worked!
     
  20. Burrito Palazzo

    Burrito Palazzo huff my smug Club Member

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    I still don't want that clock.
     
  21. Uncle Ken

    Uncle Ken Orr no morr Club Member

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    never said it didn't
     

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