So I get the impression that when he's done being nice, our Ute guest would like to float the possibility of a rivalry between our schools. I'm for it, but based on his input, I'm not convinced he's got what it takes.
So maybe we manufactured a rivalry with nebraska, fine. 20 plus years of that rivalry has left us with certain expectations for the fans of our nemesis.
Perhaps Utah's own Ponce d' Leon wouldn't mind searching our archives on the behavior we've grown to expect. But until he completes that body of work, I've got a few pointers for him. These are based on years of dealing with huskers.
--Show up on our fan sites often to remind us that we're the worse fans anywhere, and that we exhibit no class. Tell us that everybody in the conference agrees. Mention a few "friend-of-a-friend" stories in which somebody's tires were slashed simply for having nebraska (Utah) plates on their vehicle. Don't forget to remind us that you represent the "classiest" fans anywhere, and make sure you do it without any hint of irony. Self-righteousness is the key here.
--Call us all a bunch of pot-smoking, granola-eating hippies. Don't even try to reconcile that image with the notion that we're all violent thugs prone to throwing batteries randomly into crowds. It's just something that is accepted as true. We're all violent thugs AND pot-smoking hippies. Again, self-righteousness is paramount. You've got to get that part down if you want to be our rival.
--If your fans ever post a banner across a local freeway on gameday that disrespects one of our players that has recently died (Sal is Dead go big red), deny that it happened. If Sports Illustrated happens to reference the event than simply dismiss it by pointing out that all schools have some bad fans. And then self-righteously remind us that all of the fans at our school are bad.
--Deny existance of the rivalry often. Do so on our chat sites so we'll see the denial, and understand how strongly you'd like to convey to us, personally, that there's no rivalry. When you meet us in person, remind us that there's no rivarly. Also remind us that we're bad fans for good measure. Tear down your goal posts when you beat us, but be sure to tell us immediately afterward that we don't have a real rivalry. Explain to us (because we're not really very smart on anything related to football) how your school's rivalry with Oklahoma (don't use this tactic if it's not appropriate--I'm not sure if Utah and OU had a rivalry or not, but I'll assume that you did) was a real rivalry based on mutual respect. Also explain that if Oklahoma fans tell us differently, and perhaps suggest that they actually hated your fans and didn't respect them one bit, that they don't know what they're talking about. It was based on mutual respect, dammit, and OU fans are just a bunch of dick-****wads if they suggest otherwise.
--Tell us often how jealous we are of your school. It's important in a rivalry. If we respond by explaining all of the things that we like about our school, be sure to tell us that that has nothing to do with football. And then remind us that we're just jealous.
--Reference your historical football accomplishments often. I'd say the BCS win over Alabama is a nice start, but won't have "aged" sufficiently for another decade. Remember, football is seldom about the present, and all about the past. Unless your team is good at the moment, and then it's about the present AND the past. HOWEVER, if we ever mention some off-field shennagins with high profile team members, or maybe that time your coach hid a gun for a player in a felony charge, be sure to tell us "that was all in the past, and doesn't matter anymore". Don't try to reconcile that past bad things don't count, but past good things do. We've been conditioned to not expect it.
--Threaten to kill members of your football staff often. It doesn't actually have anything to do with the rivalry, except that it gives you the high-ground when discussing who cares about their team more. Similarly, don't participate in outdoor activities, or develop a hobby--it only demonstrates how little you care about your team when you have competing interests (meth is okay as it's technically an addiction and not a hobby). Again, it gives you the high ground. Oh, so does wearing your team's colors every day, and purchasing a car in your team's colors. The point at which you're wearing your team's colors, and driving a vehicle painted in your team's colors, the team's on field accomplishments actually become your own accomplishments. It's kinda like the end of avatar when he abandons his human body for his avatar's. It's hard to explain, though.
--Also, if you actually graduated from the team for which you root, don't bother us. You're not a real fan, since graduates are expected to root for their school. Only those who understand the true sacrifice of humble toil can appreciate sports.
Those are just a few tips. Again, you are encouraged to read threads which feature posts from nebraska fans. You'll pick up on a few of your own.
