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Satire on B-12 Meetings in KC Part 1

Discussion in 'Colorado Football Message Board' started by Hugegroove, Jun 22, 2010.

  1. Hugegroove

    Hugegroove Club Member Club Member

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    A P-10 buddy of mine sent me this little satire. Some of you may have already seen it. If not, enjoy. Thankfully we all know what the outcome was.:smile2:

    Behind closed doors at the Big 12's annual meetings, the boys got together
    to hash out the topics of the day. You know...important things like where
    we're going to hold the Women's Basketball tournament for the next three
    Years.

    Just kidding. Only Baylor cares about that.

    Anyway, everyone knows that's not what was on everyone's mind. And,
    thankfully, through the power of multiple sources', we have a strong report
    of what happened when the gang got together in Kansas City a couple of weeks ago week.

    Enjoy. It may be the last time this current group gets together for their
    usual shenanigans.

    Adventures of the Big 12: Twelve Angry Men -

    Texas: I call this meeting to order. Today's agenda topic: Who stays and who
    goes. I'm looking for a quick vote. Obviously, I'm good at bossing all of you
    around, so I'm in. What say you Oklahoma?

    Oklahoma: Hell, I'll stay. Do you really think I want to join the SEC or
    Pac-10? I still go into shell shock when a woman asks me if I have a Trojan
    on me, or if I walk past a store in the mall that sells 'Crocs'.

    Oklahoma State: In, yo. I'm afraid if I take my game to LA, I may get
    shot.

    Colorado: Staying. Unless the Pac-10 offers, and then I'll leave so fast
    there will be burn marks in the carpet.
    But I'm probably going to be stuck with you southern assholes.

    Missouri: Anyone know where the nearest U-Haul place is?

    Texas: Jesus, can you be more obvious?

    Missouri: What? Do you think I like being irrelevant? Do you think I like
    hoarding championships in ****ing Softball? And it's not even the cool
    softball where you drink and wear inappropriate t-shirts that say things
    like "Balls Going Deep.” It's the lesbian kind of softball where half of
    the cars in the parking lot are pink Cadillac’s, and the chicks that show
    up wear visors and Birkenstocks.

    Kansas State: I'm not really into PC, but there's something wrong with what you
    just said...

    Missouri: You know what? I don't care. I'm going eventually going to the Big Ten, wipe my
    ass with piles of TV money and spend my winters buried in lake effects snow.

    Texas: Wiping your ass with money is awesome! We do it with your money all the time!

    Missouri: So, yeah, I'm out. F**k you, Texas and double f**k you, (points at Kansas)

    Kansas: Well, that wasn't nice.

    Texas: Alright, order...ORDER! Kansas State, what are you doing?

    Kansas State: Are you kidding me? Do you think I want to join the Mountain
    West? In.

    Kansas: (Whispers to his attorney...) Our lawyer says that it would be in our
    best interest to stay.

    Kansas State: Your lawyer?

    Kansas: At this point, I have the FBI and IRS so far up my ass that they've
    set up a branch office in my colon. So, I'm taking him wherever I go.

    Kansas' Lawyer: No more questions.

    Texas: What an embarrassment. Tech, what say you?

    Texas Tech: In. I go where you go my liege.

    Baylor: God spoke with me last night, and he said that I should form a
    conference with other like religious institutions supported by the Almighty
    himself. However, he said I had to fire Scott Drew because he's an Eddie
    Haskell-style prick of the highest order, and I said, "No.” I like being
    good at basketball now. Also, those Oral Roberts kids creep me out. They're
    like a cult.

    Iowa State: I will do anything to stay in this conference. Anything, I am
    not above handing out sexual favors, and I really don't care who asks for it.

    Texas: So if I ask you to have sex with a dirty hobo, you'll do it?

    Iowa State: Absolutely. You can even tape it if you'd like. That would be a
    hundred times better than joining the MAC.

    Texas: Alright, we'll put that on the agenda for tonight after dinner and
    drinks at Tomfooleries. Nebraska, what say you?

    Nebraska: I am 100% committed to exploring all of my options.

    Texas: Huh?

    Nebraska: You heard me asshole! I am in this conference unless something better
    comes along.

    Oklahoma: How does sitting on that fence feel?

    Nebraska: It kind of chafes.

    Texas: And, finally, I'm afraid to ask. A&M?

    Texas A&M: I want to join the sex conference.

    Texas: Do you mean the SEC conference?

    Texas A&M: Yeah, I want to join the sex conference.

    Oklahoma: I think we should just let him go.

    Texas: We can't. The state legislatures and the fat cat alums says he can't go anywhere without me.

    Texas: Alright, so we've got ten stays, one go, and one guy who can't seem
    to figure out what he wants to do. Nebraska, what can we do to get you off
    the fence?

    Nebraska: Nothing really. Joining the Big Ten is appealing. I mean, it's
    like a time warp. Neither of us have really been relevant since the late
    90's, so it will be kind of comforting to be amongst like-minded people.
    Michigan called me and invited me over for a 90210 and Melrose Place
    marathon.

    Oklahoma: That's really sad.

    Nebraska: Look, I want to be with other people who think time stopped after
    the late 90's. Do you know how much being me sucks right now? I haven't won
    a conference championship in ELEVEN years.

    Kansas State: Kicked your ass too.

    Nebraska: F**k off. And my basketball program is an embarrassment. In the
    Big Ten, Sadler ball will be considered 'up tempo', and my waning baseball
    program will be one of the southern most schools, so I'll have a leg up there.

    Texas: You guys are morons.

    Nebraska: Kiss my ass! The only reason I'm not sad is because my entire state
    has been on Prozac since Tom Osborne retired. Do you really think we like
    Pelini? The guy wears sweatshirts on the sideline. SWEATSHIRTS. The guys in
    the navy blue polo shirts at Wal-Mart that greet me when I walk in look and
    act more professional than he does.

    Oklahoma: Have you considered therapy?

    Iowa State: I know a guy...

    Dan Beebe: Hey, guys, what's up?

    Texas: Bitch!, go back to your computer, keep playing Minesweeper, and we'll
    call you when we're good and ready.

    Beebe: Sure thing, boss.

    Texas Tech: That was kind of harsh, don't you think?

    Texas: He should be thankful he still has a job. We used a cardboard cutout
    of him a few weeks ago at a function with a tape player attached to its back
    looping random, non-committal statements, and no one knew it wasn't him
    until Baylor tried to hand him a plate of barbecued chicken and it dropped
    to the floor.

    Texas A&M: I ate that chicken.

    Iowa State: You guys take him with you and not me?

    Texas: He brings more televisions than you do.

    Iowa State: But he's retarded!

    Texas: He's not retarded; he's just misunderstood. He hasn't always been
    this way. But he does whatever we tell him to do.

    Iowa State: Beebe is pissing himself again. Am I misunderstanding that?

    (Texas A&M smiles as the warm urine runs down his leg...)

    Texas: (Looks at A&M...) Look, I can't defend you forever. At some point,
    you're going to need to snap out of this.

    Texas Tech: I've always wondered what goes on inside his head.
     
  2. OKCBuff

    OKCBuff Well-Known Member

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    Fantastic.
     

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