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Some Baylor Funnies

Discussion in 'Colorado Football Message Board' started by SteelCity Buff, Jul 6, 2010.

  1. SteelCity Buff

    SteelCity Buff Member

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    I hadn't been over to Barking Carnival in a while. Scip was taking his swings at the Baptists. Funny Chit.



    Through the Freedom of Information Act, Barking Carnival has acquired some damning cell phone transcripts from a protective legal action filed against Baylor from the Pac 10 Conference. The contents are worrying.
    ***
    7:57pm PST, Saturday, June 5, 2010
    Hi, Pac 10? This is Baylor! Remember me? Voted Good Housekeeping’s 2nd Most Judgemental American University.
    So, I met you briefly at Todd’s party. I was wearing a sweater vest and chinos. Remember, we talked about Baylor’s exchange program with Pakistani madrasas? Anywhooooo…scored tickets to an Amy Grant concert – want to come with? I’m at 254-555-5555. Call me back!
    [​IMG]
    9:13pm PST, Saturday, June 5, 2010
    Pac 10! Baylor here. How are you? Just had an awesome dinner at Cheese Fac – that’s what I call Cheesecake Factory. Yes, we have one.
    I didn’t hear back yet.
    But I know Saturdays are busy, busy, busy. I left my number, but I realized you may prefer e-mail. West Coast. Internet! Silicon Valley. Edgy! Ha ha! Oh my goodness. So, I’m at bears4ever@aol.com. Or just call me at 254-555-5555. Whatever you like! Blessings!
    7:51 am PST, Sunday, June 6, 2010
    Oh hey, it’s me! My phone rang. Thought it might be you. You showed up on my caller ID as a telemarketer. Is that you? Ha ha. Oh my gosh, you make me laugh. We have so much fun, the two of us! Just laughing and laughing and laughing. Being together forever! Happy Sunday!
    1:27 pm PST, Sunday, June 6, 2010
    Pac 10, it’s Baylor. Listen, my phone is CRAZY unreliable. Goshdarn, Cricket wireless. So if you’re calling and it’s not working, just text me. Please text me. I stay up late! YOU WILL NOT WAKE ME! Goodness, was I shouting there? Ha ha. I think it’s the volume control on my phone.
    1:40 pm PST, Sunday, June 6, 2010
    Hey! Just a quick note: a common mistake when trying to e-mail is that people can transpose numbers or letters, or add in an extra w to the www. Are you doing this? You’d better check! OK, bye! But seriously, check…Bless you!
    1:41 pm PST, Sunday, June 6, 2010
    TXT MSG: r u there? it’s baylor! i am just texting u in case u are shy to call
    1:43 pm PST, Sunday, June 6, 2010
    TXT MSG: it is ok if you are shy, i am very patient, like a hunter
    2:24 pm PST, Sunday, June 6, 2010
    TXT MSG: some think Man is the most dangerous game of all ha ha crazy talk
    2:26 pm PST, Sunday, June 6, 2010
    Hello? Hello! (inaudible) Oh, dadgummit! I accidentally dialed you. Oh my goodness. How are things? Hello? Hello? I thought you just picked up. If you did pick up, just say hi. Hello! Helllloooooo! Hellllloooooo! Or make a sound. No? No. OK, you didn’t pick up. That was my car radio. Bye.
    3:18 pm PST, Sunday, June 6, 2010
    Soooooo….(long pause) it’s Baylor. hi. (long pause) I just feel like we need to talk. Golly, I hope everything is OK. Is your family good? Can’t wait to meet them! Au revoir!
    4:41 pm PST, Sunday, June 6th, 2010
    Hi, it’s Baylor. (icily) I was talking to Todd and he thinks you may have gone home with Texas after that party. That’s interesting information. I don’t believe it. Or should I? Sinners go to Hell. And are sodomized by demons. For eternity. Bye.
    12:18 am PST, Monday, June 7th, 2010
    Pac Ten, it’s me! Happy Monday! Is it Monday or is it Wednesday that’s hump day? For you, it seems like it’s every day, given the information Todd gave me. Ha ha. Oh my gosh, I’m so kidding you. I just happened to be on the West Coast and I saw your car at the gym (I got your gym from your Facebook profile) and I decided to watch it for a few hours.
    I saw you give Colorado a ride to a legalized marijuana dispensary. How do you know CU? Weird. Was that you? Your hair looked different? I just want to hold you in my arms and squeeze you. Until you do exactly as I say. Goodbye!
    12:58 am PST, Monday, June 7th, 2010
    Hey, it’s Baylor. I read a study that said that conferences that go around with lots of big teams willy-nilly are at a much higher risk of STD than ones who commit to just one small faithful and loyal partner. Anyway. That has nothing to do with you. Or does it, fornicating whore?
    1:14 am PST, Monday, June 7th, 2010
    It’s me. Kidding on the fornicating whore thing. I hate when we fight. Hey, I lost you driving in traffic yesterday. Where do you live? Thought I’d drop by and say hello.
    3:19 am PST, Monday, June 7th, 2010
    TXT MSG: this whole thing is so us, we will laugh about this with our grandkids
    7:14 am PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
    So I went by your work! Your security guard is a wet blanket. I sort of jumped the security gate and he tackled me and took away my taser and duct tape. How are you? I wish I could smell your hair.
    [​IMG]
    8:19 am PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
    Hey, cutie! It’s Baylor. Listen: has anyone in your family ever had an allergic reaction to chloroform? And do you ever park in Lot 3, near the culvert? Quiet over there.
    9:28 am PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
    Well, helllloooo! It’s #107 in football, but #1 in your heart. Did you know that you can learn a lot about someone by going through their trash? Like, you love to eat organic hummus, you drink too much red wine – which tells me that there’s a hole in your life you’re trying to fill – and you recycle. I also found a condom. Whose is it? I’d love to shake that answer out of you.
    10:48 am PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
    It’s B. Just thinking about you. I made us a picnic lunch. Cod is perishable, so you’d better get back to me soon.
    12:49 PST TXT MSG: RETURNED FROM BLOCKED ADDRESS
    12:50 PST TXT MSG RETURNED FROM BLOCKED ADDRESS
    12:51 PST TXT MSG RETURNED FROM BLOCKED ADDRESS

    12:51 pm PST, Tuesday June 8th, 2010
    Hi, guess your phone is blocked. Which explains why you’re not getting back to me! So I’m calling your folks’ answering machine. Hello, future parents-in-law! My, my, my. (chuckles) Well, now you’ve gone and done it. A restraining order. This is silly. Bye.
    12:57 pm PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
    IT’S ME! HELLO! It was very embarrassing to be served at my work. What does it mean that I can’t be within 90 feet of you? Future Mom and Dad – I love calling you that – please pass this on. And sidenote: maybe you should try to raise a more polite child, One that returns phone calls. And doesn’t do everything through lawyers.
    1:09 pm PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
    It’s me. On the 90 feet thing. Is that an average? Like I spend several hours two hundred feet from you, watching you, and then a few hours six inches away. That averages out to 90 feet away from you. OH MY GOSH YOU PLAY SO HARD TO GET AND I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    1:49 pm PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
    It’s B. Hey, I think you may have some of my mail, accidentally. The postal service confuses Waco and Santa Monica. Just shoot me your alarm code real quick, OK?
    2:11 pm PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
    Hi, there. Are your parents even passing on these messages to you? I feel as if they’re not! Also, for a boy, I love the name Tristan. For a girl, Kaitlin. Toodle–ooo!
    2:45 pm PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
    It’s Bay-Dawg. Did you know I own a police scanner? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. Can we just meet? Talk? Like a romantic remote wooded area. Shall we say midnight, tonight? I will wear gloves because of my eczema. Just step out at the road flares I set up and walk into the woods. Don’t tell any of your snooping friends!
    I’ll find you.
    ***
    I guess I’m thinking the same thing all of you are: can anyone here explain why the Pac 10 would lead Baylor on this way?
     
  2. boulder77

    boulder77 Certified Organic Club Member

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    1:00pmMDT, Friday, June 11, 2010
    Baylor, hi, this is Colorado. I really hate to tell you this ..... OK, that's a lie ..... but Pac-10 and I just got engaged!! Isn't that the bomb? We're going to vacation at Utah's place, and get married in 2011. So, you can take your slimy, needy bear claws and crawl on back to work at the Longhorn Ranch. Just make sure you use protection. (giggling). Oh, and by the way, the 1980's called, and they would like your football team back. TaTa sucker.
     
  3. Junction

    Junction Moderator Club Member

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    10:11 am Sunday, June 6, 2010 Hey, Baylor it's Pac-10. Listen, I need you to quit calling me. I'm sorry, but I really don't remember you from the other night. I remember there were a few girls hanging around with Texas when I was talking to her, but to tell you the truth I really didn't catch any names. See, I'm already in a relationship with Colorado, but I was out of town and Texas looked kind of hot, so I figured hey, if it's easy, well you know the 90 mile rule and all that.... But Texas turned out to be an arrogant, self-important bitch who only wanted me to take care of her needs, if you know what I'm talking about. So to tell you the truth I kind of started looking for the door about 10 minutes after I sat down with you guys. Anyway, didn't want to be mean or anything, but I just really don't remember you and I'm really not interested in meeting up with you. But you know, that Mountain West guy that was hanging out outside that night waiting for the last call rejects to come out, he was looking at all of you like he thought you were kind of hot. You might try giving him a call. He might be up for doing something with you. Good luck.
     
  4. The Guest

    The Guest Guest

    Hey Baylor, you're kinda creeping me out and all, but anyway, can you send some naked pictures?
     

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