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A CU tradition - Nebraska jokes - got any good uns
- Thread starter 77buff
- Start date
SCB
Well-Known Member
Winner, winner, chicken dinner. :lol::lol::lol:
NuOwnsCu
Guest
Any CU fans heading to the game in Lincoln? For some reason I decided to order tickets that you guys sent back, so I'll be in the same section as you guys...
FlatironsBuff
Well-Known Member
Q:What do you call a beautiful girl on the Nebraska campus?
A:A visitor
.
Q:What do you call five nude Nebraska cheerleaders in the hot tub?
A:Gorillas in the mist.
Q:What does the “N” on the Nebraska football helmet stand for? (Probably the original NU joke.)
A:Knowledge.
Q:Why does the wind always blow in Wyoming? (Heard this from a Wyo.
guy.)
A:Because Nebraska sucks and Utah blows.
Q:What is the third largest university in the state of Kansas?
A:The University of Nebraska at Leavenworth. First two are KU and KState.
General Custer is camped out with his troops at the Little Bighorn before the battle that was to follow. His advance scout returned from checking out how many Indians they could be facing and assessing what they should do to defend themselves. He walked into Gen. Custer’s tent with a look of resignation on his face, looking down at the ground, and sadly shaking his head. When Custer saw the guy’s body language, he quickly became concerned, and said, “What is it?!” The scout was still shaking his head and just said, “Oh, General.” Custer then quickly became ticked off and yelled out again, “Damn it, what is it?” The scout said, “General, I have some bad news and some good news. Which do you want to hear first?” Custer said, “Let’s hear the bad news first and get it out of the way.” The scout said, “General, there are so many Indians out there that none of us are getting out of here alive. We’re all going to die!” Custer said, “Ya gotta be kidding! After hearing that, how could there be any good news?” The scout then became excited and said, “Hey, we don’t have to travel back across Nebraska!”
Q:What’s the best thing to come out of Nebraska?
A:I-80.
Q:What is the Nebraska state tree?
A:The telephone pole.
There are two older lady pharmacists who are sisters in a small town in Nebraska. Neither one has ever married.
One day a young man from Colorado comes to their store with a problem. He leans over the counter and says to one of the sisters, “Ma’am, I have a problem. I was hoping you could help me with?” The pharmacist asks, “What is the problem? The young man replies, “Well, I have a got a permanent erection and I was wondering what you could give me for it?”
The pharmacist goes behind the counter to confer with her sister. After several minutes she returns and says, “Well, I have talked with my sister and the best we can do is give you $5,000 in cash and half of the store.”
A Cornhusker was bragging about his knowledge of state capitals. He proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Nebraska?"
The Husker replies, "Oh, that's easy: N."
Nebraska football team is taking a classical music course. At the end of the semester, the instructor gives a test on the only song they have learned the entire semester; "Old McDonald Had a Farm." The first question is, "What did Old McDonald have?" A running back looks to his QB for leadership and asks him for the answer. The QB answers; "I think it was a farm." The RB smiles, looks at his paper for a moment, looks back at the QB and asks, "How do you spell farm?" The QB frowns, and says, "Im not sure, but I think its E I E I O."
A NU football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. It's a good thing the manager of the K-Mart came out and unplugged it.
The NU football team was placed in a remedial English
class. "Because we are all new on campus we are going to start with the basics," the professor explained. "Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?" All of the players raised their hands. "The appeal!" They all shouted with pride.
Q: What do you call a person from NU in a three piece suit?
A: The defendant
Q: How do you get a claustrophobic Nebraska woman onto an elevator?
A: Open the door and throw in a twinkie
Q: What do you call 5 Nebraska cheerleaders in a hot tub?
A: Gorillas in the Mist
You're probably a Husker fan if ...
... You list your parole officer as a reference.
... Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
... You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
... Your grandmother can properly execute the sleeper hold.
Q: Why aren't there any roaches in Nebraska dorm rooms?
A: Even roaches have some self-respect.
Q: Did you hear about the Husker who put snow tires on his car?
A: They melted
Q: Did you hear about the Nebraska player that broke his leg raking leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree.
A:A visitor
.
Q:What do you call five nude Nebraska cheerleaders in the hot tub?
A:Gorillas in the mist.
Q:What does the “N” on the Nebraska football helmet stand for? (Probably the original NU joke.)
A:Knowledge.
Q:Why does the wind always blow in Wyoming? (Heard this from a Wyo.
guy.)
A:Because Nebraska sucks and Utah blows.
Q:What is the third largest university in the state of Kansas?
A:The University of Nebraska at Leavenworth. First two are KU and KState.
General Custer is camped out with his troops at the Little Bighorn before the battle that was to follow. His advance scout returned from checking out how many Indians they could be facing and assessing what they should do to defend themselves. He walked into Gen. Custer’s tent with a look of resignation on his face, looking down at the ground, and sadly shaking his head. When Custer saw the guy’s body language, he quickly became concerned, and said, “What is it?!” The scout was still shaking his head and just said, “Oh, General.” Custer then quickly became ticked off and yelled out again, “Damn it, what is it?” The scout said, “General, I have some bad news and some good news. Which do you want to hear first?” Custer said, “Let’s hear the bad news first and get it out of the way.” The scout said, “General, there are so many Indians out there that none of us are getting out of here alive. We’re all going to die!” Custer said, “Ya gotta be kidding! After hearing that, how could there be any good news?” The scout then became excited and said, “Hey, we don’t have to travel back across Nebraska!”
Q:What’s the best thing to come out of Nebraska?
A:I-80.
Q:What is the Nebraska state tree?
A:The telephone pole.
There are two older lady pharmacists who are sisters in a small town in Nebraska. Neither one has ever married.
One day a young man from Colorado comes to their store with a problem. He leans over the counter and says to one of the sisters, “Ma’am, I have a problem. I was hoping you could help me with?” The pharmacist asks, “What is the problem? The young man replies, “Well, I have a got a permanent erection and I was wondering what you could give me for it?”
The pharmacist goes behind the counter to confer with her sister. After several minutes she returns and says, “Well, I have talked with my sister and the best we can do is give you $5,000 in cash and half of the store.”
A Cornhusker was bragging about his knowledge of state capitals. He proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Nebraska?"
The Husker replies, "Oh, that's easy: N."
Nebraska football team is taking a classical music course. At the end of the semester, the instructor gives a test on the only song they have learned the entire semester; "Old McDonald Had a Farm." The first question is, "What did Old McDonald have?" A running back looks to his QB for leadership and asks him for the answer. The QB answers; "I think it was a farm." The RB smiles, looks at his paper for a moment, looks back at the QB and asks, "How do you spell farm?" The QB frowns, and says, "Im not sure, but I think its E I E I O."
A NU football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. It's a good thing the manager of the K-Mart came out and unplugged it.
The NU football team was placed in a remedial English
class. "Because we are all new on campus we are going to start with the basics," the professor explained. "Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?" All of the players raised their hands. "The appeal!" They all shouted with pride.
Q: What do you call a person from NU in a three piece suit?
A: The defendant
Q: How do you get a claustrophobic Nebraska woman onto an elevator?
A: Open the door and throw in a twinkie
Q: What do you call 5 Nebraska cheerleaders in a hot tub?
A: Gorillas in the Mist
You're probably a Husker fan if ...
... You list your parole officer as a reference.
... Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
... You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
... Your grandmother can properly execute the sleeper hold.
Q: Why aren't there any roaches in Nebraska dorm rooms?
A: Even roaches have some self-respect.
Q: Did you hear about the Husker who put snow tires on his car?
A: They melted
Q: Did you hear about the Nebraska player that broke his leg raking leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree.
FlatironsBuff
Well-Known Member
You're probably a NU fan if ...
... Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
... Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. ... Your thought the school fight song should have been "Dueling Banjos."
Q: If you see a Nebraska football player on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
A Colorado fan was driving down a country road when he came upon two Nebraska football players hitchiking. He told the Nebraska players to jump in the back of his pick-up truck. He then drove down the dirt road rather fast and lost control of the truck as they were going around a curve. The truck landed in a lake. The Colorado fan scrambled to the surface and swam to the bank. When he looked back at the lake, the two Nebraska football players were still sitting in the bed of the truck looking frantic. As the truck began sinking the Colorado fan yelled for the Nebraska players to get out truck, to which they replied, "We're tryin' to get out, but we can't get the dang tailgate open!"
A man walks into a store says to the clerk, "I'd like a pair of red shoes, a white shirt, a pair of red pants, and a pair of white shoes." The clerk looks at him and shakes his head saying, "You must be an Nebraska fan!" The man proclaims with pride, "How could you tell, was it the color scheme!" The clerk looks at him and says "No, this is a hardware store."
Q: Why did they build the Mercedes plant so close to the University of Nebraska?
A: Because they have an endless supply of crash test dummies right down the road.
Two Nebraska fans are walking in the woods. One says, "Look! A dead bird." The other one looks up into the sky and says, "Where?"
Two Husker players are walking along a railroad track. One says, "Darn! These stairs are killin' me!" The other says, "It's ain't the stairs I can't stand, it's the low handrails!"
Two boys are playing football in a vacant lot when one of the boys is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the first little boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists, breaking the dog's neck and killing him instantly. A reporter, who happens to be strolling nearby, sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "That was the most incredible act of bravery I've ever seen!" the reporter exclaims. He whips out his notebook and furiously scribbles the headline: "Young Buffalo Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal!" The little hero sees this and says, "But sir, I'm not a Buff Fan, I'm a Husker Fan!" The reporter looks warily at the boy for a moment, then flips the page and begins a new headline: "Little Redneck Kills Beloved Family Pet"
Q: What do you call a crime ring in Lincoln?
A: A huddle.
Q: Why can't Nebraska player go on the internet?
A: He can't put 3 w's together.
Q: What's the difference between a Husker and a bucket of manure?
A: The bucket.
Q: If you have a car containing a Husker wide receiver, a Husker linebacker, and a Husker defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.
A Colorado grad, a Texas grad, and a Nebraska grad are waiting to be executed by firing squad. The Colorado grad is first, and as he is waiting to be executed, he yells, "Earthquake!" The firing squad panics and runs away, allowing the Colorado grad to jump over the wall and escape. The Texas grad is next, and as he is waiting to be executed, he yells, "Flood!" The firing squad again panics and runs away, so the Texas grad also jumps over the wall and escapes. The Nebraska grad is last. As he is waiting to be executed, he remembers what the CU and UT grads had done, so he yells, "Fire!"
Q: What does the average NU student get on their SAT's?
A: Drool
Q: What do tornadoes and Nebraska grads have in common?
A: They both always end up in trailer parks!
Q: How do you know that Jesus is not from Nebraska?
A: They couldn't find three wise menor a virgin.
Q: What is the difference between a Husker fan's car and a Porcupine?
A: The Porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Nebraska's greatest inventions:
1. Solar powered flashlight
2. Water-proof towel
3. A book on "How-To-Read"
4. Inflatable dart board
Q: Why don't Huskers use 911 in an emergency?
A: They can't find 11 on the dial.
Top 10 Classes at Nebraska:
1) Philosophy: Why Don't They Spell It with an "F" ?
2) Pre-Law Seminar: Age of Consent in 50 States
3) Sandwich Making: A Project Course
4) Hand-Shadow Workshop
5) Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Friend
6) Cliff's Notes vs. Monarch Notes: 2 Views of the Classics
7) Hooked on Phonics
8) The College Classroom: A Simulation
9) ABC's: An Extended Version
10) Literature: Coloring inside the lines
Q: Did you hear about the Huskers found frozen in a car at the drive- in movie in January?
A: They went to see "Closed for Winter".
Four alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Big 12 school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Kansas grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, "This is for KU! Rock Chalk Jayhawk!" as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be outdone, the Oklahoma grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for Oklahoma! Boomer Sooner!" Seeing this, the Colorado grad walked over and shouted, "This is for everyone!" and pushed the Cornhusker off the side of the mountain.
Q: What's the last thing a Nebraska stripper takes off?
A: Her bowling shoes
Q: What does Colorado have that Nebraska doesn't?
A: Everything
How many Huskers does it take to eat a 'possum?--Two, one to chow down and one to watch for cars.
... Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
... Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. ... Your thought the school fight song should have been "Dueling Banjos."
Q: If you see a Nebraska football player on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
A Colorado fan was driving down a country road when he came upon two Nebraska football players hitchiking. He told the Nebraska players to jump in the back of his pick-up truck. He then drove down the dirt road rather fast and lost control of the truck as they were going around a curve. The truck landed in a lake. The Colorado fan scrambled to the surface and swam to the bank. When he looked back at the lake, the two Nebraska football players were still sitting in the bed of the truck looking frantic. As the truck began sinking the Colorado fan yelled for the Nebraska players to get out truck, to which they replied, "We're tryin' to get out, but we can't get the dang tailgate open!"
A man walks into a store says to the clerk, "I'd like a pair of red shoes, a white shirt, a pair of red pants, and a pair of white shoes." The clerk looks at him and shakes his head saying, "You must be an Nebraska fan!" The man proclaims with pride, "How could you tell, was it the color scheme!" The clerk looks at him and says "No, this is a hardware store."
Q: Why did they build the Mercedes plant so close to the University of Nebraska?
A: Because they have an endless supply of crash test dummies right down the road.
Two Nebraska fans are walking in the woods. One says, "Look! A dead bird." The other one looks up into the sky and says, "Where?"
Two Husker players are walking along a railroad track. One says, "Darn! These stairs are killin' me!" The other says, "It's ain't the stairs I can't stand, it's the low handrails!"
Two boys are playing football in a vacant lot when one of the boys is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the first little boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists, breaking the dog's neck and killing him instantly. A reporter, who happens to be strolling nearby, sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "That was the most incredible act of bravery I've ever seen!" the reporter exclaims. He whips out his notebook and furiously scribbles the headline: "Young Buffalo Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal!" The little hero sees this and says, "But sir, I'm not a Buff Fan, I'm a Husker Fan!" The reporter looks warily at the boy for a moment, then flips the page and begins a new headline: "Little Redneck Kills Beloved Family Pet"
Q: What do you call a crime ring in Lincoln?
A: A huddle.
Q: Why can't Nebraska player go on the internet?
A: He can't put 3 w's together.
Q: What's the difference between a Husker and a bucket of manure?
A: The bucket.
Q: If you have a car containing a Husker wide receiver, a Husker linebacker, and a Husker defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.
A Colorado grad, a Texas grad, and a Nebraska grad are waiting to be executed by firing squad. The Colorado grad is first, and as he is waiting to be executed, he yells, "Earthquake!" The firing squad panics and runs away, allowing the Colorado grad to jump over the wall and escape. The Texas grad is next, and as he is waiting to be executed, he yells, "Flood!" The firing squad again panics and runs away, so the Texas grad also jumps over the wall and escapes. The Nebraska grad is last. As he is waiting to be executed, he remembers what the CU and UT grads had done, so he yells, "Fire!"
Q: What does the average NU student get on their SAT's?
A: Drool
Q: What do tornadoes and Nebraska grads have in common?
A: They both always end up in trailer parks!
Q: How do you know that Jesus is not from Nebraska?
A: They couldn't find three wise menor a virgin.
Q: What is the difference between a Husker fan's car and a Porcupine?
A: The Porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Nebraska's greatest inventions:
1. Solar powered flashlight
2. Water-proof towel
3. A book on "How-To-Read"
4. Inflatable dart board
Q: Why don't Huskers use 911 in an emergency?
A: They can't find 11 on the dial.
Top 10 Classes at Nebraska:
1) Philosophy: Why Don't They Spell It with an "F" ?
2) Pre-Law Seminar: Age of Consent in 50 States
3) Sandwich Making: A Project Course
4) Hand-Shadow Workshop
5) Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Friend
6) Cliff's Notes vs. Monarch Notes: 2 Views of the Classics
7) Hooked on Phonics
8) The College Classroom: A Simulation
9) ABC's: An Extended Version
10) Literature: Coloring inside the lines
Q: Did you hear about the Huskers found frozen in a car at the drive- in movie in January?
A: They went to see "Closed for Winter".
Four alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Big 12 school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Kansas grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, "This is for KU! Rock Chalk Jayhawk!" as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be outdone, the Oklahoma grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for Oklahoma! Boomer Sooner!" Seeing this, the Colorado grad walked over and shouted, "This is for everyone!" and pushed the Cornhusker off the side of the mountain.
Q: What's the last thing a Nebraska stripper takes off?
A: Her bowling shoes
Q: What does Colorado have that Nebraska doesn't?
A: Everything
How many Huskers does it take to eat a 'possum?--Two, one to chow down and one to watch for cars.
FlatironsBuff
Well-Known Member
Do you know how to tell a Husker wedding picture?
The bride and groom both have tooth picks in their mouths.
Two Nebraska fans were walking along when one says "look a dead bird!" The other looks up and says "where?"
Q: What's the best thing to come out of Nebraska?
A: I-76
Q: Where's the best place to be in Nebraska?
A: Right in the middle, that way anywhere you go you're LEAVING.
And the old standby:
Q: Why doesn't Kansas fall off the face of the Earth?
A: Because Nebraska sucks.
The bride and groom both have tooth picks in their mouths.
Two Nebraska fans were walking along when one says "look a dead bird!" The other looks up and says "where?"
Q: What's the best thing to come out of Nebraska?
A: I-76
Q: Where's the best place to be in Nebraska?
A: Right in the middle, that way anywhere you go you're LEAVING.
And the old standby:
Q: Why doesn't Kansas fall off the face of the Earth?
A: Because Nebraska sucks.
NuOwnsCu
Guest
I'd rather be a hick than a granola loving hippie. The stereotypes are a two-way street.
F*** the black and gold.
F*** the black and gold.
87toInfinity
Well-Known Member
We love granola, you love livestock. At least we don't **** our granola.
Kameltosis
Well-Known Member
An ACTUAL Colorado wedding.....im not kidding
Spider
Member
An ACTUAL Colorado wedding.....im not kidding
Any good Buffs fan would ask, "Well who is marrying whom there?"
:smile2:
87toInfinity
Well-Known Member
An ACTUAL Colorado wedding.....im not kidding
Better than waffle house.
Kameltosis
Well-Known Member
Yeah but that wedding was in Georgia. Nebraska doesn't have Waffle House as far as I know.
Last edited:
87toInfinity
Well-Known Member
Alright, well how do you know the camo wedding is from Colorado? Just wondering...was it one of your uncles or something?
DallasFlier
Member
Based on the script "A" on the hat in the first picture, looks like it was in Aabama, that's their A. Of course, that would require the Buff to be able to properly identify and differentiate letters of the alphabet. :smile2:
87toInfinity
Well-Known Member
Actually that's the Atlanta Braves "A", so Tosis was right. You are the one who can't identify letters.
Kameltosis
Well-Known Member
DallasFlier
Member
Sure looks an awful lot like this one in the logo off the official 'Bama site. Want to call it a draw? (And, either way, its not an N, huh? :wink2: )
the dude looks like a beavis and butthead hybrid. beavhead?
Kameltosis
Well-Known Member
Sure looks an awful lot like this one in the logo off the official 'Bama site. Want to call it a draw? (And, either way, its not an N, huh? :wink2: )
Dude....it's a braves hat. Seriously....when have you seen a college football teams hat look like that? And another thing.....since when did Alabama become associated with buildings and skyscrapers like on the hat?
It's Atlanta. You lose!@!!!@@
87toInfinity
Well-Known Member
Sure looks an awful lot like this one in the logo off the official 'Bama site. Want to call it a draw? (And, either way, its not an N, huh? :wink2: )
No I don't want to call it a draw. I win. Check the link and the picture, jackass.
You ****ing lose.
DallasFlier
Member
OK, I missed the black skyline on the dark grey hat - you're right, I concede! :huh:
OK sCUm, I'd rather lose the hat war, then lose the GAME like you're set to do in a week! :smile2:
Go Big Red!
Kameltosis
Well-Known Member
Oh and with a couple of quick google searches....
That wedding took place in Dacula, GA.
Wait, why the **** are we talking about this?
That wedding took place in Dacula, GA.
Wait, why the **** are we talking about this?
87toInfinity
Well-Known Member
Alright NUtsack. I've still got at least a week to brag. 65-51.
But in any event, you losing the hat war makes you an idiot, but NU winning doesn't work reversely.
87toInfinity
Well-Known Member
Because you're a jackass confused NU fan who smokes weed and makes fun of CU people for doing the same. :smile2:
Kameltosis
Well-Known Member
87toInfinity
Well-Known Member
huh? I've never dissed weed...but yeah...I do make fun of some CU's
Oh...must have been the rest of the NU peeps here...
Kameltosis
Well-Known Member
Weed ftw!