(Dan Beebe lets out a shriek at his computer...) Texas: Dan, don't worry. We all hit the mine from time to time. Beebe: No, that's not it. The Pac-10 is going to offer six of you. Kansas: Thank God! Screw you Texas assholes! And double F**k you Mizzou!! Beebe: They don't want you. Missouri: HA HA. Kansas State: Suck it. Beebe: They don't want you either. Kansas State: Well, duh. Texas Tech: Who do they want? Beebe: Texas, A&M, Tech, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, and Colorado. Colorado: Oh happy daaaaaaayyyyyy! Oklahoma State: ****. I'm gonna get shot. Texas: Calm down, guys. We all want to stick around, right? Well, let's not jump the gun here. If we're all in this together, we'll stay. Nebraska, you in? Nebraska: I thought I told you I'm firmly set on exploring all of my options. Texas: Goddamnit. Make up your damn mind. Missouri? Missouri: Kiss my ass. Texas: Do either of you even have an offer from the Big Ten? Missouri: It's just a technicality. I'll get one, eventually. Oklahoma: You sure you want to take that bet? Missouri: I'd rather shoot for the moon than hang out with you assholes. Texas: Alright, f**k it. Enjoy Conference USA. Colorado: Wait, we're not going to the Pac-10? Jesus Christ. I finally, through sheer luck, we get a shot at what I wanted, and you assholes start ****-blocking me. F**k all of you, I'm out of here. Beebe: Wait, the Pac-10 said that they may take Baylor instead of you. Colorado: SON OF A B*TCH!!! Texas: Alright, Colorado's back in. Nebraska, Missouri...it's on you now. You have until Friday to figure this out. Nebraska: I will stay if you promise me that the Big 12 Championship will be played in Kansas City at least every other year. Texas: Let's not get unreasonable, now go piss up a rope Nebraska: Unreasonable? UNREASONABLE??? You take all of the money, get all of the good TV spots, and now you're getting the title game in the Jerrydome every year. And I'm being unreasonable? Kansas State: You did kind of vote for the unequal revenue sharing when you were, you know, good at football. Ten years ago. Oklahoma: Actually, it's been eleven years since they won the Big 12. Nebraska: And you assholes wonder why I want to leave. Texas: Calm down everyone. Tempers are starting to get in the way of our way of reasoning. Let's just handle this calmly. Nebraska and Missouri, you have until next Friday to decide if you want to stay with us. If you don't, half of us will go to the Pac-10. Colorado: It's like a nightmare all over again, but I'm still awake... Kansas: I literally did not see this coming. Kansas State: So where do the rest of us go? Texas: Well, I can put in a good word for you with the Mountain West or Big East. Iowa State: What about me? Texas: you should consider trade school? Kansas: You mean to tell me that my storied basketball program is going to slum in the Mountain West? Oklahoma: Sorry, dude, but this is about football. And, to be honest, no one is going to party with any dude that's under Federal investigation. Kansas: Point taken. It's Kansas State's fault. Kansas State: What the? Texas: Kansas, you really are an asshole. Everyone said you were, but I always gave you the benefit of the doubt. But, yeah, you really do suck. Kansas State: THANK YOU!!! Missouri: Ha ha! Beebe: If anyone needs me, I'm going to the shi**er. Texas: I think we're done here. Everyone, we've got a week to figure this Out. Go to your corners, make your calls and we'll hash this out later. Nebraska and Missouri, the ball is in your court.