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A really sh!tty preview of the Oregon game

Discussion in 'Colorado Football Message Board' started by Buffnik, Oct 3, 2015.

  1. Buffnik

    Buffnik Real name isn't Nik Club Member Junta Member

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    Today our Buffs take on the Ducks from Oregon. 8pm at a packed Folsom Field -- The Greatest Venue in Football.

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    This week I decided to deviate from the normal tone of the Sh!tty Preview and bring some actual analysis and insights into this huge matchup. Pac-12 opener for the Buffs with a chance to get to 4-1 with bowl hopes very much on track against an Oregon team that comes in at 2-2 on the back of getting hard ridden dry and put away wet last week against the Utes.

    The first thing that research revealed when I looked into the advanced metrics is

    Will another loss make them cry? Drive them into the arms of a Buff who pulls a move out of the Wedding Crashers' funeral pickups handbook? Would they even notice? I'm not sure, but I'm confident that it's important.

    How bad must it suck to go to school at the University of Oregon and have a sh!tty football team? I mean, you know going in that you'll be getting a sh!tty education. You know going in that the weather is going to cause you (and everyone else) to spend winter nights researching the best ways to off yourself. You know that you're going to be stuck in Eugene, 2 hours from the civilization of Portland and a bit closer to a coastline that somehow doesn't have a usable beach. I mean, I've been there. It was awful. The missus and I had seen all these statements that it is like Boulder. So, one year, we thought "what better vacation could there be than to leave Boulder for a week to go to a place like Boulder, but different?".

    Then we got to Eugene. It was a depressing sh!thole that smelled like old cheese. We couldn't get out of there fast enough. However, it did strangely put us in the mood for an unplanned side trip which worked out pretty well.

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    Did you know they also make ice cream? Good sh!t.

    But I'm getting off track here. I need to talk some football, I think. We can't ignore the "Mark Helfrich Factor". Here's a coach who was mentored by Dirk Koetter and Dan Hawkins. So, basically, he's another Boise State guy trying to be a head coach at another place. He's been the OC in charge when two of them failed on the bigger stage.
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    At CU, he was known for changing offenses every year and being the guy responsible for talking Dan Hawkins into recruiting his son. He was also the guy who abandoned the CU team during spring practices to take the OC job at Oregon, citing something about family or health which I'm sure has never been brought up again. As expected, as soon as Mariota graduated and the Ducks didn't have that dude covering up the problems, Helfrich has begun to uphold the proud tradition of the Boise State coaching tree from Nutt to Koetter to Hawkins to a Petersen who is struggling at Washington.

    And can someone please explain to me how the Nike U thing became something that is considered cool? Sure, I'll grant that it's great that the company was founded on the idea of giving opportunities to workers in developing countries like our forefathers in America had.
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    So props for that. But everything with them is about the brand. What kind of idot cheers for the branding arm of a multinational corporation? Ooooohhhhh.... look at how shiny and fluorescent their helmets are tonight! My friends will think I'm so cool when I'm the first one to have an overpriced pair of shoes that I'll never wear because they need to stay "mint in box" since they're not just a shoe, they're a collector's piece. If you engage in this and I've offended you... good. You need a wake-up call.

    Remember, these are the assholes who saw the flooding in Colorado a few years ago and decided that it would be a great PR opportunity to earn a tax write-off and promote the brand by giving Nike UO gear to the folks in Lyons. Yeah, that's just what they needed.

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    But while we're on the topic of Nike gear, more important is that CU will be going with the #BlackSteel uniform combo this week. Having seen the way - every week when the uniform is revealed - that guys like Ryan Koenigsberg react like it's Christmas morning and he just opened a box with an official Red Ryder, carbine action, 200 shot range model air rifle... I'm sure that this is actually of monumental, nay EPIC, importance.

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    Apparently, they call it #BlackSteel because it was inspired by Zoolander's Blue Steel. As the guys on 1190AM pointed out in their broadcast last week, Sefo doesn't seem able to turn left. He's not an ambi-scrambler. If you remember, when things were looking bleak and the story had reached its climactic moment -- Zoolander did turn left to unveil Blue Steel and win the day.

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    And it was beautiful.

    Clearly prophetic for what Sefo will do tonight against Oregon.

    In the final analysis, Oregon sucks and the Buffs will crush them.

    Buffs 38-26 over the lowly Ducks
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 19, 2015
  2. sackman

    sackman Club Member Club Member

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    Sh!tty preview is truly sh!tty.
     
  3. Shldr2Shldr

    Shldr2Shldr Club Member Club Member

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    Started out so well then devolved into total sh¡t. Good job buffnik
     
  4. darth-horax

    darth-horax Well-Known Member

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    I totally agree.
    #blacksteel for the win!
     
  5. BuffUp

    BuffUp W.T.T.F. Club Member

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    Now that is talking about the turd on the table, no one wants to talk about. Good job Nik. Heading up to the game now. We need to be loud and annoying...Go BUFFS! Get this one...
     
  6. DBT

    DBT Club Member Club Member

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    You're being kind of hard on Nike Corp. After all, don't they provide jobs to 10 year olds in Bangladesh for 50 cents an hour? How many 10 year olds do you know that make that kind of dough?
     
  7. buffedup

    buffedup Cooler than a Popsicle Stand. Club Member

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    Well done with another solid turd. #BlackSteel FTMFW
     
  8. Liver

    Liver modded mod Club Member Junta Member

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    the literary equivalent of the morning after a Tijuana taco gone bad.

    good job.
     
  9. GoBuffs08

    GoBuffs08 Well-Known Member

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    Nike U offers tons of high paying jobs for graduates

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  10. Darth Snow

    Darth Snow Hawaiian Buffalo Club Member Junta Member

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    ****ing Sh!tty. I will still pick you up tho
     
  11. Clean Undies

    Clean Undies Flagship of the 12-Pac Club Member

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  12. Burrito Palazzo

    Burrito Palazzo huff my smug Club Member

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    Pretty ****ty.
     
  13. Uncle Ken

    Uncle Ken Orr no morr Club Member

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    Turn left! Sh!tty.
     
  14. Bufffan68

    Bufffan68 Club Member Club Member

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    My only reaction to this really sh!tty preview...
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  15. NW Buff

    NW Buff Club Member Club Member

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    Sh!tty is as sh!tty does.
     

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