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A really ****ty preview of the 2016 USC game

Discussion in 'Colorado Football Message Board' started by Buffnik, Oct 7, 2016.

  1. Buffnik

    Buffnik Real name isn't Nik Club Member Junta Member

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    The really ****ty preview enters Week 6 of this college football season, which brings us to a payback game as the 21st ranked Colorado Golden Buffaloes take its 4-1 (2-0) record to Los Angeles to battle the 2-3 (1-2) USC Trojans. If you get Pac-12 Network, you can tune in at 2pm MT on Saturday.

    Last week saw Colorado steamroll Oregon State, as the Buffs mercilessly pounded the Beavers 47-6. Probably the worst beating I've seen since USC tried to play Alabama in Week 1.



    So what should we talk about this week for the ****ty preview?

    With the Buffs, the numbers speak for themselves.

    #9 Offense in the nation
    #13 Defense in the nation.

    Quarterback controversy? Montez has the nation's #9 QBR and Sefo is #14.

    Pick your poison. Shootout or defensive battle? QB1 or QB2? Does not matter. The result is certain.
    [​IMG]

    So I wanted to turn my attention to USC. And I've got to admit, it was hard to even summon the energy to bother with this one. I mean, it's only USC. As we all know, USC sucks and CU will crush them.

    But I guess they were good once. I remember all those wins they had to vacate in the Vince Young era. And my dad told me they used to beat Notre Dame about half the time back in the day. Allegedly, they once beat Stanford.

    Ever since Jim Harbaugh went in dry and Pete Carroll pathetically whined, "What's your deal?", USC has been a national laughingstock in the college football world.
    [​IMG]

    But what happened since then? USC has been so irrelevant that I couldn't remember. So I actually had to do some research for this week's ****ty preview.

    Carroll, knowing that NCAA sanctions were coming for years of buying players, bolted to the NFL before it all crumbled around him.

    First, in 2010 a new university president came in and cleaned house with a mission to "turn USC into the Stanford of southern California". AD Mike Garrett, best known for his chronic sexual harassment, was sent packing. In steps Pat Haden as AD, best known for stealing money from a charity. Now replaced by current AD Lynn Swann, best known for financial mismanagement that caused people to sue him after Caesar's collapsed. Oh yeah, he was also a ballerina or something.
    [​IMG]

    While all this has been going on at the top, USC has also been a revolving door for coaches. First there was Joey Freshwater, who had gone 7-6 at Tennessee and so seemed like a great fit for the Trojans. In a surprise to no one, he promptly built USC into a 7-6 program. He had made the mistake of trusting Haden to let him manage things through the NCAA penalties, but after starting 3-2 he was fired at the airport and locked out of the building. Kind of sad, since it started so beautifully when Joey failed in Knoxville and Haden was there to embrace him and bring him home.
    [​IMG]

    Then came Ed Orgeron. That dude had come to USC as an assistant after destroying all of Cutcliffe's work at Ole Miss (3 years, 10-25 record). Since nobody can understand a ****ing word that Ed says, I think we can excuse Haden for this one. Yeah, he went 6-2 and is the best coach USC has had in forever, but once Haden realized he hadn't hired "some Oregon guy" he really had no choice but to move on. So he let Clay Helton coach the bowl game. USC actually won, proving in that Las Vegas bowl that they were better than Fresno State and likely one of the Top 5 programs in the state of California. This was a big damn deal, so Helton's name was filed away for later.

    But first USC decided to go back and dig deeper through the septic tank of its past glory. Steve Sarkisian had a bunch of 7-6 seasons at Washington. This was the guy that the Trojans had to have since he coached for Pete Carroll. And he did manage to beat a Nebraska team coached by an interim coach by 3 points in the Holiday Bowl his first year. Based on that, Sark got cocky and Haden thought he had his guy. Prior to the 2015 season, reports surfaced that he was wasted for his speech at a USC event.
    [​IMG]
    I can't find the video, so this grainy photo (assumably trying to replicate Sark's vision) is all we've got. But the recap is pure USC:
    – Sarkisian was definitely drunk at the event and slurring his words during the speech. That’s been confirmed by multiple sources at the party.
    – Sarkisian dropped an F-Bomb while introducing his team to the donors.
    – Sarkisian said that Oregon, Arizona State and Notre Dame all suck. Sark is 0-9 against Oregon and Arizona State and has always lost to the Ducks by three scores or more.


    That wasn't enough to get him fired, of course. Neither were reports that he was showing up to work drunk, even on game days. But then he started 3-2, the Joey Freshwater formula. Sark out. Helton in (remember him?).

    So Clay Helton, winner of a meaningless bowl game as interim coach which is the highlight of recent USC history, got the job. He went 5-4 the rest of last season, which earned him getting that interim tag removed.
    [​IMG]

    Unfortunately, all of the above doesn't make me hate USC. It mostly points to a dysfunctional mess that deserves our pity. But there's a nugget in there for the ****ty preview. Everything that happened is about being so ridiculously smug that they can't help but hire people that somehow connect to a past memory of something good happening at USC. Every AD, every coach.

    Has anyone ever loved anything as much as USC people love the smell of their own farts?
    [​IMG]

    It starts with the fact that they call themselves the "Trojans". Like many of you, I was under the mistaken impression that they were named after a condom company. I was shocked to learn it was the other way around. Apparently, "Trojan" brand condoms was started as a non-profit company to try to improve society by keeping USC people from breeding.
    [​IMG]
    Keep fighting the good fight!

    But, no, they named themselves after some ancient society that was so full of themselves that they lost a ****ing war and were destroyed because... get this... they believed the gods favored them so much that they had been presented with a gift of a big wooden effigy. That is soooooooo USC.


    In fact, the more you look into USC, the more evidence you find of their love for their own flatulence.

    Their mascot... garbed in a skirt to allow unhindered escape and easy cupping & wafting. One of their big traditions is when he goes to the middle of the field, takes a knee, and endeavors to rip a winner without leaving an air biscuit on the field.
    [​IMG]

    Even their cheerleaders get into the act, sharing their special USC aroma with all of Los Angeles...
    USCcheerleader.jpeg
    adding that little something to LA's air quality that makes others gag while USC folks swoon.[​IMG]

    The bumbling efforts to recover the sweet aroma of USC panty burps of yesteryear continues this Saturday. And there is evidence that it was amazing for a time.
    [​IMG]

    Those days are over, though. It is a stale wind blowing at USC. This weekend the Buffaloes invade the Coliseum to show who is boss.
    [​IMG]

    In an epic performance that makes USC fans nostalgic for opening weekend, CU rolls in Los Angeles.

    Buffs 54
    Trojans 10

    #GoBuffs
     
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2016
  2. J.R. Ewing

    J.R. Ewing Club Member Club Member

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    ****tiest evar. Evar!!!
     
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  3. buffedup

    buffedup Cooler than a Popsicle Stand. Club Member

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    Craptacular!!!
     
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  4. SpacemanSpiff

    SpacemanSpiff Club Member Club Member

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    I know ****ty, and gentlemen, that was ****ty! Cupping and wafting kind of ****ty!
     
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  5. Darth Snow

    Darth Snow Hawaiian Buffalo Club Member Junta Member

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    What a ****ty sculpture to choose as a finale. Brilliant!
     
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  6. TimmyDUBs

    TimmyDUBs Dirty haole Club Member

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    Stinkiest evar
     
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  7. Fight CU

    Fight CU Club Member Club Member

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    I'm gonna name my next poop after this masterfulpieceofsh!t
     
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2016
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  8. Buffskier

    Buffskier Club Member Club Member

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    Since i commented on the s****iness of last weeks... I better re-up against the snakeskins. Truly **** Nik.
     
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  9. sackman

    sackman Club Member Club Member

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    You really put some stank on that one. Hit me again, Ike.
     
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  10. Alfred91

    Alfred91 Club Member Club Member

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    ****ty and stinky!

    Excellent!
     
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  11. JPinCO

    JPinCO VP of Quantified Self Club Member

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    I give it 5 steaming turds!
    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]


    ....out of eleven.
     
  12. The Ogre

    The Ogre Club Member Club Member

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    Better every week, Nik. Keep trying!
     
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  13. Clean Undies

    Clean Undies Flagship of the 12-Pac Club Member

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  14. J.R. Ewing

    J.R. Ewing Club Member Club Member

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    I took off my gassy, one month old son's diaper last night and he blew out on the wall next to the changing table. It was like a pea-green Rorschach test slowly sliding down towards the floor. That had nothing on this preview.
     
  15. buffalo1

    buffalo1 Club Member Club Member

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    Well done. Go Buffs
     
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  16. Buffalo Brad

    Buffalo Brad Club Member Club Member

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    About ****ing time! Can't believe it took you this long to write something so ****ty. Smell of farts is invading my office!
     
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  17. patebuff

    patebuff Downgraded to half a star Club Member

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    Trojan ****ty
     
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  18. Randy.Watson

    Randy.Watson Well-Known Member

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  19. lvbuff

    lvbuff Well-Known Member

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    Not only did this really ****ty preview smell of cupped, wafting farts, it reminded me of that time I was asked to fix a garbage truck that had broken down in Houston TX in August. It had been parked in a nursing home's asphalt parking lot for about a week in sweltering, 98 degree heat.

    It must have had a thousand depends and bed linens that had been soaked in geriatric piss and ****.

    That thing stunk to high heaven, but I will tell you this: Niks ****ty preview this week had a rancid aroma that couldn't hold a candle to that **** and piss filled garbage truck.
     
  20. Buffsrock85

    Buffsrock85 Well-Known Member

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    I expected ****tier. But it is USC so even they can't get live up to ****ty expectations. Douche bags!
     
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  21. Uncle Ken

    Uncle Ken Orr no morr Club Member

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    Christ was that ****ty!

    Mixed with pity.
     
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  22. married2abuff

    married2abuff Club Member Club Member

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    Just when you thought it couldn't get any ****tier. Truly a new level of ****tiness!
     
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  23. sackman

    sackman Club Member Club Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  24. FChairbanks

    FChairbanks muthaka slayer Club Member

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    This is perhaps the ****tiest line ever written in the history of mankind....



    ...I am still chuckling at that one.



    Awesome work as usual Nik!
     
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  25. goalline

    goalline Club Member Club Member

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    I learned about beatsc.com. Invaluable **** there.
     
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  26. CUBUFF80

    CUBUFF80 No Stinkin' Title Club Member

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    Great friggin stuff
     
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  27. DexBuffsteen

    DexBuffsteen Well-Known Member

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    Wow, ****tier than expected.
     
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  28. GoBuffs08

    GoBuffs08 Well-Known Member

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    Every week ****tier than the last. Going to need to dig deep to pull out a nugget for next week.
     
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  29. Jalapeno

    Jalapeno registered user Club Member

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    [​IMG]

    Still plenty of room for more stinky posts! Well done!
     
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  30. Bliff Cranch

    Bliff Cranch Club Member Club Member

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    This is so *****y! I can't imagine how you can make it ****ier next week. Oh wait, it's ASU. No problem.
     
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