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Utah, the whole state, is f-ed up

"Eat Drink and Be Merry, because tomorrow you may be in Utah"

Skidmark, myself and one other guy were on our way to our senior year spring break in Palm Springs. After fighting our way through a monster blizzard in the middle of the night for 4 hours thorugh Colorado the storm subsided and the roads cleared. We decided to push further and make up for lost time to get our spring break started. We were on I-70 between Green River and Salida when we came across a herd of deer on the highway going about 90 MPH.

We hit a deer square in the ass and sent it flying, destroying the front end of my Buick Somerset and ****ting all over my car. Luckily we were only a few miles from Green River when this happened (this is a 100 mile stretch of highway with no services and virtually no outlets).

Skidmark quote (from the back seat), "Dude, you should have seen what that looked like without glasses on!"

Skidmark and our third guy (who was the driver) got out and pushed my destroyed car into Green River while I steered.

Going to the only gas station in town right off the highway, we were in shock. We knew one thing, we needed to get f***ed up in a massive way and the trunk of my car was stuffed with booze. We needed shot glasses and the ones that I found at the gas station had the saying listed above on them.

The three of us finished a bottle of Absolut Vodka in about 20 minutes once we got a hotel room for the night.

This is only part 1 of this horrific tale through the state of Utah. Since this date, I have avoided the state of Utah like the plague. Hey Skidmark, you want to continue with part II?

Utah sucks! 'nuff said!
 
Utah

Yes the I-70 corridor sucks and there are some of the Utah Highway Patrol and Seveir County Sheriff's office that either don't understand or acknowledge the "search and seizure" portion of the Bill of Rights. And I can't take credit for that, it's a paraquote of Christine Durham, chief justice of the Utah Supreme Court as she dismissed a case.

Yes we have our little redneck towns where the Sheriff's office finances the "Justice of the Peace" and yes there have been some stops on the I-70 corridor that have resulted in the trafficking of drugs but also the stoppage of a Hasidic gentleman who had completed a transaction in Chicago and was heading back to LA with about a quarter of a million in cash. OK, ringlets, hat and cash in the car? Well, the rednecks there booked him into jail because $250K has to be drug money, right? And several of the $100 bills had cocaine residue on them, right? Luckily the next day a district court judge ruled that there is nothing illegal about having $250K in cash.

That being said I probably have a warrant for a parking ticket in Craig. I may wind up in handcuffs in Boulder should I be detained. And in Ft. Collins I had to dump a $20 bottle of Jack in the parking lot. You can only drink beer in the tailgate lot there.

Bottom line is yeah, we're not near as progressive as Colorado excluding my personal rant about Ft. Collins but when you come to SLC and tailgate the game you will be feasted with all of the best of a tailgate including pigs on spits, extremely good food or just burgers and dogs, a lot of smoke and a lot of fun. Join us. You'll find we aren't what many of you may have thought we are.
 
slcut84109 said:
Yes the I-70 corridor sucks and there are some of the Utah Highway Patrol and Seveir County Sheriff's office that either don't understand or acknowledge the "search and seizure" portion of the Bill of Rights. And I can't take credit for that, it's a paraquote of Christine Durham, chief justice of the Utah Supreme Court as she dismissed a case.

Yes we have our little redneck towns where the Sheriff's office finances the "Justice of the Peace" and yes there have been some stops on the I-70 corridor that have resulted in the trafficking of drugs but also the stoppage of a Hasidic gentleman who had completed a transaction in Chicago and was heading back to LA with about a quarter of a million in cash. OK, ringlets, hat and cash in the car? Well, the rednecks there booked him into jail because $250K has to be drug money, right? And several of the $100 bills had cocaine residue on them, right? Luckily the next day a district court judge ruled that there is nothing illegal about having $250K in cash.

That being said I probably have a warrant for a parking ticket in Craig. I may wind up in handcuffs in Boulder should I be detained. And in Ft. Collins I had to dump a $20 bottle of Jack in the parking lot. You can only drink beer in the tailgate lot there.

Bottom line is yeah, we're not near as progressive as Colorado excluding my personal rant about Ft. Collins but when you come to SLC and tailgate the game you will be feasted with all of the best of a tailgate including pigs on spits, extremely good food or just burgers and dogs, a lot of smoke and a lot of fun. Join us. You'll find we aren't what many of you may have thought we are.
Click to expand...

I don't think this means what you think it means. :lol:

boulder420.jpg


But I can't wait to tailgate in SLC.
 
Maybe a bad choice of words... but friends of ours who tailgate the KC Chiefs game have told us that our tailgate rocks. So we have that going for us.
 
jymkata said:
Skidmark quote (from the back seat), "Dude, you should have seen what that looked like without glasses on!"

Skidmark and our third guy (who was the driver) got out and pushed my destroyed car into Green River while I steered.

The three of us finished a bottle of Absolut Vodka in about 20 minutes once we got a hotel room for the night.

This is only part 1 of this horrific tale through the state of Utah. Since this date, I have avoided the state of Utah like the plague. Hey Skidmark, you want to continue with part II?
Click to expand...

My memory of that ill fated Spring Break road trip has faded with time. I do remember being rudely awaken by a staccato chorus of "Oh shît, oh shìt, oh shīt" coming from the front seat. I came out of my slumber to witness the car veer to the right lane to avoid a blurry object. Then the tires squealed as we swerved to the left to dodge a second grayish figure. Then the front of the car pitched down as breaks were being applied when deer number three suddenly appeared frozen in the headlights. The thump of a collision sent poor Bambi flying over the hood of the car, body barely clearing the windshield underneith the flying object. Jymkata is absolutely correct. I was amazing to witness an earthbound creature appear out of no where and take sudden flight. My vision is not very good between the astigmatism and myopia. So the whole evasive maneuver was blurry enough to not catch any vivid details. That was one hell of a way to be awaken.

I found my glasses once the car was stopped in the shoulder of I70. The damage was substantial. The fiberglass front of the car was destroyed and radiator fluid leaked forth onto the salt tinted asphalt. We looked, but didn't see the body of the deer. It might have been a quarter mile behind us after decelerating from 90 to nothing.

We were suddenly going no where, fast. It was after 11PM and the temperature was below freezing. At that hour of the night, there wasn't a lot of traffic, and visibility was too poor to flag down help. This was before cellphones, so we were pretty helpless. The distant lights of a small city twinkled on the horizon.

We pushed the dead car towards the lights. It turns out the highway had just enough of a downhill grade to allow the car to coast a little bit, making the effort to push a little easier. I guess we worked at it for less than an hour before limping down the exit ramp into a truck stop and gas station.

The damage looked worse under the bright incandescent lights of the gas station parking lot. And the smell of radiator fluid and deer crap was revolting. We pushed the disabled car into a powerwash to clean up the fur and poop that was wedged amidst the crumpled mess of Detroit engineering.

We got ahold of a state trooper and told him there might be a deer carcas somewhere on the road, and retired at the motel behind the truckstop. The box of booze in the trunk became the next focus of our attention. We proceeded to get hammered and cuss our bad fortunes.

It turns out Seaver, Utah doesn't have a collision repair. In the daylight, we saw a junkyard filled with other deer struck vehicles. The Utah Dept of Transportation makes I-70 one big salt-lick to keep the roads from icing up. Deer hits appear to be big business. Anyways we needed a tow to Cedar City to find a mechanic and a rental car company. It turns it the tow truck driver was the brother of former Bronco standout Karl Mecklenburg, the Snow Goose.

The bench seat of the wrecker was not really big enough for three hungover college dudes and this hulk of a person behind the wheel. I was wedged in the middle and trying my hardest not to vomit. That was a long and miserable leg of the journey.

In Cedar City we rented a car and were back on our way to Palm Springs, with our pockets drained of cash. No fun stopover in Vegas.

In hindsight, I learned that if you plan on hitting a deer, make sure to be going over 45mph. Below that speed, you'll end up with a broken window and the twitching deer inside the car on your lap.

The other thing I learned on that trip was the definition of the word ariola. Palm Springs under Mayor Sonny Bono was trying to crack down on Spring Break. An impressive statute was put on the books that listed a comprehensive selection of the body which must not be visible when in public, including labias, ariolas, and so forth. Some enterprising souvineer vendor printed the statute up on a T-shirt.

So Spring Break was a bust, thanks to salty Utah roads and Sonny Bono. There were no thong wearing babes riding on the back of superbikes, exposing their labias and ariolas. The car ended up being totaled. And between the tow truck and rental car, our budget was too tight to do Palm Springs justice.
 
Not quite Kerouac but very evocative story-telling nonetheless. I never figured I'd unleash the hidden Hemingway (Ernest, not George) in so many folks. Thanks!
 
Skidmark, You forgot the best quotes.

We're in Cedar City renting a car and the guy (total country bumpkin', I think he was wearing overalls) asks us what we're going to be doing on spring break.

Still hungover and without missing a beat, Skidmark says "just doing some sightseeing, maybe go to church."

The guy replies, "Church is a good place to go" without a hint of irony.

Then, we finally get back on the road. Skidmark is driving this time. We're not on the road for 5 minutes before being pulled over by a cop for speeding.

Skidmark thanks the cop when he finally gives him his ticket, the cop walks away and Skidmark says "why did I just thank that guy?"

The whole time in Utah was a tragi-comedy of epic proportions.

Utah sucks!
 
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jymkata said:
Skidmark, You forgot the best quotes.

We're in Cedar City renting a car and the guy (total country bumpkin', I think he was wearing overalls) asks us what we're going to be doing on spring break.

Still hungover and without missing a beat, Skidmark says "just doing some sightseeing, maybe go to church."

The guy replies, "Church is a good place to go" without a hint of irony.

Then, we finally get back on the road. Skidmark is driving this time. We're not on the road for 5 minutes before being pulled over by a cop for speeding.

Skidmark thanks the cop when he finally gives him his ticket, the cop walks away and Skidmark says "why did I just thank that guy?"

The whole time in Utah was a tragi-comedy of epic proportions.

Utah sucks!
Click to expand...

I totally forgot about the GD speeding ticket. That was nearly two decades ago and that's a lot of water under the bridge. I used to be a real smart-ass back in the day. :smile2:

While you might not have been back to the bee hive state, I most certainly returned time and again for one adventure after another.

I once made a roady to Powder Mountain, a little ski area in the Ogden area. I was driving by myself this time to meet up with a group. This was my first ski trip and a personal quest to see if Utah did, in fact, have the "Greatest Snow on Earth". I was driving at night, again. After some long blinks, I'd do the various sleep suppression techniques. The windows were open. The stereo was blasting heavy metal. The bottles of cola were being chugged. Somewhere between Vernal and Flaming Gorge, I pulled over to catch a few winks. I parked on the shoulder, with my front bumper a few feet away from a large pine tree. And I quickly passed out from exhaustion.

I was awoken (again) from my slumber, this time by bone freezing cold temperatures. The first thing I see is a big tree infront of my Honda Accord. I had not realized that I had voluntarily pulled to the side of the road.

In the first moment of consciousness, I tense up, slam on the breaks and prepare for a high-speed collision with a formidable tree. My life passed before my eyes. I was certain this was the end and I was just about to die from pushing too hard and falling the sleep at the wheel.

The accident never came. Time slows down in an accident, but this was ridiculous.

Then it occured to me that the car was, in fact, parked.

The near-death episode practically gave me a heart attack. I ran out of the car to finish peeing. Then I laughed at myself for being such a dumb ass.

The adrenaline rush of my near death experience was sufficient to keep me awake for the balance of the journey.

By the way, the snow at Powder Mountain was sheet ice. It might have been the greatest sheet ice on earth.

Then there was the time I was invited by an old high school girlfriend to come visit her at BYU....

Or the New Years in St. George (instead of Vegas) where all there was to drink was milk...

Or the winter camping trip where the only place to set uo the tent was on a snow field somewhere on the floor of Escalante Canyon...

Or the Eskamos that were for sale on "tradio", a Blanding radio station version of Craig's List...

Or the epic powder day at Alta...

Or the hut trip in the la sals where I saw my first moon bow (a rainbow caused by moonlight and ice crystals)...

Or the various dates and hikes in and around Arches...

Or intertubing the Virgin river...

Or the honeymoon trip on Lake Powell where Mrs Skid and I sailed into married bliss on a houseboat...

Hell yeah. I'm looking forward to joining Utah in the 12Pac. Let the Utah adventures continue!
 
Skidmark said:
Hell yeah. I'm looking forward to joining Utah in the 12Pac. Let the Utah adventures continue!
Click to expand...

:yeahthat:


"I was awoken (again) from my slumber, this time by bone freezing cold temperatures. The first thing I see is a big tree infront of my Honda Accord. I had not realized that I had voluntarily pulled to the side of the road.

In the first moment of consciousness, I tense up, slam on the breaks and prepare for a high-speed collision with a formidable tree. My life passed before my eyes. I was certain this was the end and I was just about to die from pushing too hard and falling the sleep at the wheel.

The accident never came. Time slows down in an accident, but this was ridiculous.

Then it occured to me that the car was, in fact, parked.

The near-death episode practically gave me a heart attack. I ran out of the car to finish peeing."

:goldcup: Classic stuff, Skid.
 
I want to hear more about your Utah stories, Skiddy!

BTW - Going to your wedding in Lake Powell I made damn sure I did not cross the border into Utah because I was so phobic (we probably crossed in when we took a boat tour but I don't count that because you can't hit a deer in a boat unless you're really trying).

Likewise, I made a venture to four corners back in the 90s , and I would only take one step (actually it was a stomp) on the Utah corner.

These are my only ventures into Utah since that hell trip. I really want to go and see all those great national parks and maybe try some skiing up there, but I need to get over my phobia. It was 20 years ago, what the hell is my problem anyway?

Utah sucks! I'm not going to have any problems hating the Utes when the time comes. Nebraska who?
 
This stroll down memory lane reminded me of one more spring break road trip incident.

We took California highway 62 instead of I-15. Our third driver was pedal to the medal on this 2-lane road, making up for lost time. Going up a pass, we were dodging oncoming traffic who were either passing in our lane, or were unable to stay in their own lane. We screeching our tires and going around some serpentine curves, doing our own fair share of passing. At one point we had the passenger side wheels deep into the gravel shoulder, on the cusp of a drop-off. No guardrail. Just reflective signs and thin air.

We called that stretch of asphalt the Sam Kennison Memorial Highway, because that's where the loudmouth comedian had his fatal crash.

That was one dangerous highway.

I didn't have much fun on that spring break. We should have gone to Mexico.
 
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Sam Kenison

NSFW
[video=youtube;DSwG9Tojg9I]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSwG9Tojg9I&feature=youtube_gdata[/video]
 
C'mon, Skiddy! We had fun! I remember that once we got to Palm Springs the weather was nice, the pool was open, we watched the Buffs almost win the NIT, and there were lots of pretty girls (even if they weren't allowed to wear thongs). Sure we almost died a few times that trip, but I guess the Grim Reaper didn't have it out for us!

I'll quote one of your favorite bands, Judas Priest

Many have tried
To prove that they're faster
but they didn't last
and they died as they tried! (rhyming tried and tried, classic!)

Utah still sucks!
 
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