#7 Total Offense and #1 Total Defense. This Saturday, September 17th, at 1:30pm MT, CU will look to expose Michigan for the overhyped pretenders they are when the Buffs visit Ann Arbor. This week, there's so much I am tempted to delve into with this matchup. From McCartney to Kordell, there are major storylines this week. Within the game, there are so many interesting matchups and keys we could discuss, including the Leavitt-Harbaugh connection and what that means for the chess match side of things with the game plans. But those thoughts left my system with the final remnants of the fried chicken gut bomb I ingested this week. This is the really ****ty preview, dammit! Michigan sucks. We will crush them. Why? Because if Tom Cruise was a college, he would be the University of Michigan. Here are 3 reasons why: 1. Douchebag "Thomas Cruise Mapother IV" loves him some "Thomas Cruise Mapother IV", just like a "Michigan Man" loves self-fellating as he repeatedly hums his mantra: "Legends & Leaders". 2. Cruise defines his success with box office hits, but no one really respects him as an actor. All those movies and what does he have to show for it? 3 Golden Globe wins and 1 Oscar nomination. Much like Michigan, a football program that hangs its hat on attendance figuers and claims a bunch of national championships from back when a bunch of 150 lb white guys wearing leather helmets were filling its roster as semi-pro factory workers trying to make a few extra bucks on Saturday. One title since the 1940s. There's a reason Notre Dame dropped them from the schedule. Even they thought Michigan was a bunch of insufferable douchebags with overinflated egos who lived too much in the past. 3. Cruise thinks he is a "headliner" and the media even acts like he is. But if I search for "A Few Good Men", most of what comes up is Jack Nicholson. "Eyes Wide Shut"... it's Nicole Kidman. Similarly, the biggest hurdle to overcome during the intensive research for this blog was that I'd type in "Michigan football" and most everything I saw was about Sparty. I mean, I get it. Michigan State wins every year. But while everyone knows that UM never got top billing against Notre Dame and constantly gets sand kicked in its face by Ohio State, being Michigan State's bitch was as surprising to me as Cuba Gooding Jr. being the story from Jerry Maguire. Or maybe not. And continuing with the whole theme of the entertainment industry and Michigan being douchebag central, it's ****ing amazing how ingrained Michigan's douchiness is in popular culture. Exhibit A: The Green Lantern is the giant douchebag of superheroes. Gave us the worst superhero movie ever. Of course he's a Michigan man. Exhibit B: How do we create an over-the-top douchebag lawyer character and take it to the next level? Enter Ari Gold, Michigan man. Exhibit C: Gregory House, MD. Such a douchebag of a character that he could only be a Michigan man. They even rocked a "Wolverine" look for one season. I can picture you all nodding right now. "Yep. Michigan. Bunch of douchebags. Everyone knows this thing." But you're probably also thinking, "There has to be some redeeming quality, right?" Well, I try not to disappoint. So I found Elle Johnson, who says she's a huge Michigan fan. This looked promising. So I spent some time looking more deeply at Elle. Lost interest for a bit. Had a sammich. Took a nap. Then went back to work and quickly got interested again. Very interested. Until I saw this... DOUCHEBAG!!! Sorry folks, there's just no way of getting around it. Michigan = Douchebag U. I mean, did you see who the honorary captain is this Saturday? But in fairness to Brady, as he made clear in his ad campaign, he wasn't born and raised to be a total douchebag... it was an inevitability that comes with being a Michigan man. Which brings us to the current Michigan head coach. Sure, I could give you 10,000 words here about #BoogerGate and there would probably be a few laughs in there. And I damn near went there. Any douchebag who gets caught on camera munching on a boog deserves ridicule. But when he holds a presser to deny it, well, that takes it to douchebag level alpha. The Michigan level. But I wanted to go a different direction. Rumors that Harbaugh did a porno with Screech? Apparently they're cousins, so that would just be gross. Not going there. But what about that one time at band camp? Nope. Absolutely not going with the Screech thing. Maybe talk about the freakishly deformed pinky? It was suggested by an online researcher I found that this is linked to a medical condition associated with a shawl scrotum which surrounds the penis and is also linked to undescended testicles. Now, I don't know if Harbaugh, in addition to being a supreme douchebag, also has a supreme dickbag with no balls. Not enough evidence. He should probably call a press conference to clear this matter up. At the least, we need a Mythbusters investigation. But, no, I'm not going there either. Would it be too soon or in too bad of taste to consider possible lead poisoning? Nope. **** Michigan and **** Harbaugh. Besides impotence and a host of other symptoms, there are a lot of neurological problems from lead poisoning. With Harbaugh, we've got a whole lot of weird for a whole lot of years. He's always been a bit unhinged and erratic. But considering the timing of when he started drinking Michigan water in the face of the following... Summer. 2016. Harbaugh re-enacts a scene from The Lion King with some of his players. Suspicious, for sure. But I think he's probably just king of the douchebags. If Jim Harbaugh was an actor, he'd be Tom Cruise. Saturday's prediction: Buffs stone their run game. Buffs secondary overwhelms their pass game. Buffs offense keeps their defense guessing and exposes them as pretenders. Final Score: CU 37 - 13 Go Buffs!